I can honestly say with confidence that many people do not know me. I mean, they know me but they don't KNOW me. In general, I'm a very private person. I have been this way all my life. I guess it has something to do with my upbringing.
But there is something that EVERYONE does know about me and it is "the two loves of my life" Everything i do in life, is about them. I barely yell. I don't hit. I'm patient (for the most part) ...and before i make any rash decisions in life, I think of their well being.
My First Love- This MAN is and has always had the soft spot in me. He is stubborn at times (hhmm wonder where he got that from) ...he is extremely smart. He searches and investigates everything. If you ask about space, he knows it. If you ask about sports, he knows it. If you ask about science or history, he knows it. It blows my mind at times...how much he knows. On top of being wise, he is very handsome, dedicated and faithful. It brings tears to my eyes because i worked so hard to instill the morals my parents taught me, in him. I believe that my generation is the last to have the "ol' school lessons" and so i teach him the fine lessons in life. I tell him, "when I'm no longer here and... you remember these things, you will be alright." He tells me, "i can't live without you...i would go crazy if something happened to you." I obviously don't like when he speaks like this. Because despite anything i WILL go before him. God willing.
I have made sooo many mistakes in life. Especially growing up. I thank God for my "other family" I call them my "Jamaican Family." Because they were the ones to help me through it all. I was lost but through them, i was found. While i was out wondering the countries, they helped me with Keeno.
Keeno is MY FIRST LOVE. I don't think i have ever been in love before. I have come close, but to actually say I have fallen in love, I'd be lying. When i look into Keeno's eyes, i see ME! I see a young leader. An inspirational man. A dedicated boyfriend and husband one day. A responsible brother. A helping man. I see MY FIRST LOVE!
The Love of My Life - Just a few years ago (about 6) there was a void in my life. No matter what i did or who i was with, there was always something missing. I took a couple years for myself...and did some soul searching but I could never figure out what it was. There was just something missing. I thought maybe it was a husband (just like almost every single girl) I figured if i get into a steady relationship, i will have another baby too. I had always wanted a few children but life never permitted that. Keeno was already older. Much older. I thought of adopting many times. I actually looked into it. I started the process and then paused a few times. I guess the Lord did not want me to take this route. I felt so empty at times. I barely spoke about it, but my family always knew deep down there was something missing in my life. I was always the strong one. The leader. But my eyes couldn't lie. Make a long story short, i got married and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy March 25 2008. This was the day i started to live life to the fullest. This very moment, i was reborn. Every single day of his life is a joy to me. I remember laying in the hospital room just staring in his eyes for hours.
We named him Captain from the second he was born.
He is the love of my life, because he is the LOVE i have never felt. He is the love that keeps my heart going. He is the reason i know there is real love on this earth. He inspires me to be the best i can be. He gave me life again. I thought maybe "marriage" would fix my emptiness but it was not that at all. That void i had was filled from Captain. I have never felt empty since. Despite what goes on in my life, i will always be ok. I have 2 beautiful sons that adore me and when they look at me, they look at me with REAL LOVE! My boys are so in love with me. I have got to be the luckiest woman in the world. Plus I'm even luckier with a third son, my foster son.
There are certain things i just don't need for anymore. I don't need a man to tell me I'm beautiful. I don't need company around me to feel wanted or loved. I don't have any space at all for false friends. I don't take any time at all away from my kids to be in company outside of work related company. The friends I have now, I will have forever. All the decisions i make are based on the well being of my boys!
God i wish it was always like this. I got to this point through trial and tribulation.
I know God is watching over us. I know this. If i were to write down each time i knew God was standing there with me...i would not have enough paper or there would be no space on this blog.. We are so blessed and protected. If there is something we need, God provides. Now don't get me wrong here, if God does not provide, than i know He does not think we need it. I'm mature enough to move on.
I have learned to listen to Gods voice. I have learned to be obedient. I have grown to a mature place in my life to know that I'm blessed and will always be...because i have TWO loves in my life that will always love me. We have been through hell and back and back again, but through it all, God is on our side. It is NOT about how many times you go to church in a week, it is about WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHEN YOUR NOT IN CHURCH? It is not about how much money you give in your tithing envelope? Are you giving with your own selfish purpose? So many people have this all twisted. I may go to church once a week or twice a month, but everywhere i go, God goes with me. He is in my heart and in my body. If no one else sees me, HE DOES!!! There is no hiding with Him.
When you pray, what do you ask for?
Do we have any idea what LOVE is? Love is God! God is LOVE. Saying you love someone, you better be able to compare that person to GOD!
Yes, i had a few things on my chest this morning, that i needed to get off. Ok....i feel better. Thank God for BLOGGING! Ha!