Tuesday, January 18, 2011

So....Why Do We Avoid Confrontation?

So many of us avoid  confrontation because we have a "hidden fear" around confrontation. Unfortunately we may not realize this but avoiding it is a confidence sucker!

We fear exploding, upsetting others, being way too sensitive or just not wanting to be bothered.
My whole life (almost) i believed confronting someone meant there was a possibility of myself upset or the other person angry. So what did i do? I RAN AWAY!

Only recent;y did i discover why i did this. I ran because as my ex would say "I had been running my whole life" It was all i knew. I avoided confrontation all together to show that i was strong enough to move on (uumm i was so wrong) I simply thought it was a lot safer. Which i will admit, in some cases, it was..but in some others it was not.What almost always happened in response to my running, i either got over that person quickly without him or her being a thought in my mind, i got more and more resentful of that person with it having an obvious impact on my actions, or i would continue to keep my eyes on that person with a closed heart and then the moment i saw something i would explode and say mean and very hurtful things and removing that person from my life all together. This was my almost always result in avoiding confrontation.

I was recently confronted with this "habit" at Landmark Education Yup Landmark does it to ya!
Let me tell you, this is not easy at all for me. I mean it's by far one of the most challenging things i have ever had to take on or commit too. I just found that it takes too much explaining, energy, WORK and pain to bother. But if I'm out here trying to transform lives, how can i go on lying to myself or others? This goes against what I'm committed to giving back in life and above all, it's against what God wants and expects from me.

I have been taking blows to my confidence my whole life in living this way without even knowing it. It's a vicious cycle and i guess i needed someone to break it down me REAL and RAW! Boyyy it hurt.

Confronting people does not have to be an argument. Also it is not a "power trip" Meaning, we assume there will always be a winner or looser. Anger does not have to be the outcome of communicating to someone that something is bothering you. We have the power to create "a winning situation" for both parties. But, we don't tap into this gift enough.

Our fears are usually invalid and believe me, this is what tricks our minds. We believe that the confrontation will be a battle and assume the others person reaction and go into the confrontation with all our walls up, ready for war! Hhhmmm i know a little something about this behaviour.

How do we avoid doing this?
We go into the "confrontation" by pointing out the facts and knowledge of what is happening and the impact it has caused on the relationship/friendship. We need to first acknowledge what is actually happening or happened and not our stories we create about how we want to make this person wrong and angry. We create this "garbage"

We can easily communicate what we want or don't want without shouting or saying hurtful things or like myself "running away" We just need to stop the blaming game. Look, I'm not saying most of us don't have valid reasons to be hurt or angry, but pointing the finger or fighting does NATHA! (nothing in Portuguese) When we stop this, the other person automatically becomes less defensive and is actually open to being "vulnerable"

We have got to stop this "Poor Me" attitude. People know when they have done something wrong and believe me they live with it everyday....so no need to add insult to it all.
Take responsibility for your emotions (i did) Instead of saying "you did this....you did that....you are...." A more affective way is "when THIS took pace, it just OCCURRED to me that you were trying to take advantage of me ....or thought i was stupid.....or naive....and so i got upset. I'm not saying you intended on hurting me, it's just how i saw it"
Friends, most people do not set out to hurt people they love. It just happens. Unfortunately.

You see here how taking responsibility for your emotions and actions is different from pointing the finger. Again, I'm not saying you don't have valid reason for being upset...but it's all in the approach we take.

When YOU blame, THEY attack!

Remember i wrote about being "vulnerable"....well this also ties into that blog.
Using these tools are the most empowering thing i have ever had to learn to do.

I'm going to master this. I have already committed to it.

We have got to be the change we want to see in the world we live in and the people in our lives.

Love, Me!

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