Friday, February 4, 2011
Relationships Do's and Don'ts!
Well i have and it is amazing. I mean it's so refreshing to see a man be so raw and real about "men" The good and the bad. he is a very honest man.
I logged onto the Oprah Website today when i got to work and enjoyed reading the interview article with Steve and Oprah. I have copied some pieces of the article and pasted them here instead of writing about what i enjoyed most. Women had a chance to ask Steve a question of their choice and here are some of them along with the answers. I have highlighted the words that truly stood out to me.
If a man is cheating or has the intention to cheat, why pursue commitment with one woman?
Michele found out her boyfriend of many years was cheating after he told her he was ready to settle down and get married. The male mind may be a mystery to women, but Steve says there's a simple explanation for this behavior.
"A man having sex outside of his relationship is very different from [a woman]," he says. "Once we shower and wash off, we cool. Please know that about a man. If he's going to cheat, it has nothing to do with his emotional attachment to you or his feelings for you, nothing."
Steve says cheaters make promises to their significant others because they know that's what women want to hear. "Michele, there's nothing wrong with you. You haven't done anything," he says. "Please release yourself. Let the baggage go."
What are some other reasons why men cheat?
Sadly, many women have dated men who cheat…and most of them don't even know it. Ever.
Steve says there are a few major reasons why men stray, though none of them excuse the behavior.
Top 5 Reasons:
They think they can get away with it.
The man hasn't become who he wants and needs to be or found who he truly wants to be with.
What's happening at home isn't "happening" like it used to.
There's always a woman out there willing to cheat with him. (wow)
Once a cheater, always a cheater??This old adage isn't always true, according to Steve.
"Men can change," he says. "Sometimes the loss of someone valuable to a man kicks a switch for him. … I'm different from what I used to be."
Steve says the most important thing to remember is that somewhere, someday, you'll meet the man you've been searching for. "When the right one comes, he's going to be there. You are all going to meet him," he says. "God would not create your soul mate and never allow you to meet him."
WOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!! Another article that was totally amazing…Enjoy this article and to read more please go to http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Know-Its-Real-Love-Advice-from-Martha-Beck
How do you know it’s LOVE??????
If you are able to think and feel and say “I can live without you, no problem” It’s LOVE!
"I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." It sounds so tragically deep to say that losing your lover's affections would make life unlivable—but have you ever been in a relationship with someone whose survival truly seemed to depend on your love? Someone who sat around waiting for you to make life bearable, who threatened to commit suicide if you ever broke up? Or have you found yourself on the grasping side of the equation, needing your partner the way you need oxygen? The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs.
"I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love.
"My love for you will never change" is a hot seller. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to scuttle a relationship than shore it up.
You're not everything I need.
I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills. Trying to get all this input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only ice cream. When a couple believes "We must fulfill all of each other's needs," each becomes exhausted by the effort to be all things to the other and neither can develop fully as an individual.
It amazes me how often my clients' significant others feel threatened when the clients revive childhood passions or take up new hobbies. I encourage people to bring their spooked spouses to a session so we can discuss their fears. The hurt partners usually come in sounding something like this: "How come you have to spend three hours a week playing tennis (or gardening or painting)? Are you saying I'm not enough to keep you happy?" The healthiest response to such questions is "That's right, our relationship isn't enough to make me completely happy—and if I pretended it were, I'd stunt my soul and poison my love for you. Ever thought about what you'd like to do on your own?" Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does.
I won't always hold you close.
There's a thin line between a romantic statement like "I love you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do us part" and the lunatic-fringe anthem "I love you so much that if you try to leave me, I'll kill you." People who say such things love others the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, wrap them in immobilizing fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish moments. This is not the kind of love you want.
The way you can tell real love from spider love is simple: Possessiveness and exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas true love is based on setting the beloved free to make his or her own choices. How you use the word make is also a tip-off. When you hear yourself saying "He makes me feel X" or "He made me do Y," you're playing the victimized, trussed-up fly. Even more telling are sentences like "I've got to make him see that he's wrong" or "I'll hide what I really think because it would make him angry." You are not the victim but the crafty spider, withholding and using manipulation to control your mate's feelings and actions. Either strategy means that someone is being held too close, wrapped in spider silk.
Getting out of this sticky situation is simple: Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Begin by taking responsibility for your own choices—including the choice to obey the spider man who may have you in his thrall. Then communicate your real feelings, needs, and desires to your partner, without trying to force the reaction you want. If your relationship can't thrive in the clear light of honesty, it is better to get out of it than to sink further into manipulation and control.
You and I aren't one.
Perhaps you are neither a spider nor a fly but a chameleon who morphs to match the one you love. Or you may date chameleons, choosing partners who conform to your personality. Either way, you're not in a healthy relationship. In fact, you're not in a relationship at all.
I used to tune in so acutely to my loved ones' wants and needs that I literally didn't know my own. This denial of self ultimately turned into resentment, poisoning several close relationships. Then—once burned, twice shy—I went briefly to the opposite extreme. I found myself having a lot of lackluster lunches with folks who hung on my every word and agreed with everything I said. Narcissistic I may be, but Narcissus I'm not; hanging out with a human looking-glass, no matter how flattering, left me lonely.
If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific love for two can be. Follow your heart in a direction your partner wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love an actual person rather than a human mirror.
Love takes work and time. But loosing yourself while falling for someone is NOT love, rather it is LUST!
I know the feeling and it is not a good one. When you are dating or "liking" someone, it is suppose to be fun and adventurous. If you find that you have lost everything and everyone who meant good to you, than you have got to check yourself. Thousands of women loose themselves before they are ready to call it quits and than sometimes it's too late (so they think)
If you want to know if you should marry someone, an older lady once told me; whatever your man does before marriage, he will do double the amount after.
I asked her "what do you mean by that" She answered "If he cheats, he will cheat more only you will not know. He will become a master at hiding it...if he is lazy, he will become even more lazy after marriage....if he is grumpy, he will become very grumpy....if he does not do nice things for you, he will totally stop after marriage"
LET ME TELL you this ladies, DO NOT ignore this. It was probably the best advice i ever got regarding marriage.
Start studying people. Become more observant of peoples actions and the words they use. Be alert but not possessive.
If you have to wonder if your man is "cheating" or what he is doing, even when he does not know this is what your doing, then LET HIM GO!!!! Talk about a waste of time and energy. God did not give us life to live this way.
Alright ladies, I'm out!