Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Why You So Afraid of Success?
Sometimes the very 'thing' you're so afraid to do or try is the very 'thing' that will change your life and the world around you-FOREVER!
I was 12 years old when I actually decided without a doubt that 'one day' I would write a book about my life. Like, I mean I literally told my library teacher (Mrs. Hayes) that I was going to write a book about my story. She asked me 'oh why do you want to do that? What will it be about Elizabeth?"
I answered, "I want to help girls who are being abused and who don't like themselves. I want to tell them to be strong and don't let anyone hurt them or abuse them" Little did she know....at the time, I did NOT like myself one bit!
Little did I know what the next 15-20 years of my life were going to look like.
As the years went on and I experienced more pain, abuse, shame, self inflicted emotional drama, neglect and abandonment, I realized more and more that I was going to ONE day write a life changing book / memoir for women and girls- on the affects of abuse (emotionally, sexually, mentally and physically). But I was so afraid. I was afraid of letting out my secrets. I was afraid of telling 'my' truth. I was afraid of exposing those who abused me. I was afraid of telling the world about the places I'd been, things I'd done, toxic choices I made and the alleys they brought me threw. I was afraid of being vulnerable and most importantly, I was afraid of freedom. I had being life as a prisoner my entire life and I was scared to death of FREEDOM. Kind of like a man standing in his jail cell the day he is about to be released after doing 15-20 years behind bars. It was nerve wrecking and scary to face the UNKNOWN.
I started writing that book when I was 33 years 'young' but I came up with the title at 18 'If You Played In My Playground'
Writing it alone was the longest emotional rollercoaster ride I had ever been on. I laughed and I cried. I laughed and I cried. I had to dig up memories of my childhood that made me lock myself in a room -alone- and ball my eyes out for hours at a time. I had to go back and stand face to face with 'my story' in the deepest way you can ever imagine. And this hurt sooo bad. There were moments I had to put my pencil down and just feel the memory. Go back to the moment of that memory and really just 'be still' in it; in order to deal with the emotional aspect of it- that I NEVER dealt with as a child. I will NOT sugar coat this in any way. It hurt mannnn. I fought to go back there because my entire life I was a RUNNER. The moment I got to run away from my 'home' I became a runner. If something hurt bad enough, I ran! Because I had wanted to run ever since I was 6 years old so the moment I got to do it- I mastered it.
The truth is, I did not want to write my dark secrets in that book. It didn't feel good at FIRST! I was so cautious of what the world would think of me and I thought by writing the book I would go back to live in that place of darkness again. Ohhh was I wrong!
I had the entire book pretty much written and put down for months. Again, afraid of the world. The moment I was able to speak to my sister after my brain surgery (December 2011), I said to her, "Sue I am going to publish the book mama. If I had died, nobody would've known the real Liz" It was a true AHA moment for me.
I had to come face to face with death in order to discover my true purpose in this world. I didn't think for one second or worry for one second (after surgery) what 'others' would think of my TRUTH. Because I knew God Himself gave me that vision when I was 12 years old and I knew that He did so because He could trust ME to bring it to life. To bring MY life back to life.
Today, through that book, through 'my story' I empower the lives of disadvantaged and disenfranchised girls and woman who have been afflicted by challenging family of social circumstances. Today, because of the freedom I stand and live in, I inspire girls to live each day recreating who they desire to be, therefore enhancing their quality of living and becoming leaders of their OWN future.
The very thing I was so afraid of was MY PURPOSE!
Whatever your 'thing' is, I am begging you to just DO IT! You're feeling that push because it was given to YOU! If you do not bring that vision to life, you will be held responsible for it. That 'thing' is your purpose tugging at you, screaming at you, calling to YOU! Shut out the world and lock into your calling.
Go ahead, 'it's' calling YOU!